Warning, Magic Is Real
by Aiatalay
Summary: September/October 2008. The first fanfiction I ever wrote, and it was crack. Now you know where I started. I never finished it, and the elements from Morrowind are virtually nonexistent. House tries out a new prank, and it goes horribly wrong.
1. Chapter 1

**September 22, 2008**

**Name:** WARNING: MAGICIS REAL Chapter 1

**Fandom:** House, M.D.  
**Pairing:** House/Wilson  
**Summary: **House tries out a new prank. Didn't expect it to work. Not only did it work, it worked _well_.  
**Disclaimers:** The feature presentation is crack!fic. As in, but not limited to: involuntary species change (don't worry! it's funny, not sad.), magic spells being used, and the existence of nymphs. It is also probably supposed to be rated R for themes and language.

Wilson woke up to find that his head was being attacked by fingers. Slimy fingers. "Erk. What going on?", he inquired sleepily.

"Don't move or you'll mess up your hair. Well, you'll mess it up worse than I have. And then it won't even look good."

"...House? What the hell have you done to my hair?" Wilson braced himself for the worst. Anything that involved being woken up before his cell phone alarm went off by _fingers in his hair _would have some serious explaining to do.

"What I'm do-_ing _is I'm giving you bright green highlights. And also dark green lowlights. But the lowlights are just because the lady at Cuddy's hair salon said the green parts would look more natural that way. As if their were any way to make green look natural. Personally I think she was just trying to sell me more dye."

"And why are you dyeing 2/3 of my hair green?" Wilson could tell the on the best to worst scale, this was creeping dangerously close to the "worst" end of things.

"Little experiment from a book I got at the library. Now please go back to sleep or something, I'm not finished yet." House started doing something else with his hair that involved rags and Wilson decided that all he could do at the moment was give his best "I'm-_very_-pissed off-at-you-but-too-damn-tired-to-do-anything-about-it" sigh and closed his eyes. He would asses that damage after he got some more sleep.

-

When he woke up (much later it seemed), it was to the sound of House screaming "What the HELL!" and falling backwards over the coffee table. The first thing he noticed after that was that most of the things around him seemed much bigger than normal. The second thing he noticed, as he tried to sit up in his now very loose shirt, was that he had wings.

To which the only logical response is of course to freeze up and stare dumbly at yourself.

"...HOUSE!"

"It was supposed to be a joke, but-"

"What the HELL?"

"I had NO IDEA that the glitter was actual fairy stuff!"

"What?" Now wilson was confused. Not that he wasn't already, he was just... nah. He was hopelessly confused now.

"There was this spellbook in the library, like "Transfrom!" or something. I thought it would be funny to try one of the spells out on you, because you have to dress up for it. I was so sure it wasn't gonna work, because I don't believe in magic and ah-" House cut off as Wilson looked over at him, not threatening or anything, just curious, and a little worried.

"Is it... permanent?" Wilson looked like he was trying not to laugh at House's shock. And a little like he was trying not to implode from shock himself.

"Uh, lemme check..." House made what looked like a significant effort to tear his eyes off Wilson's and picked up a book from the table he was sitting on. It was thick, leather-bound, and a little worn, but not in overall bad shape. He found the page he was looking for and visibly relaxed. "No, not permanent. It should wear off in like four or five days."

"Four or five days is a _while_, House. You should call Cuddy and tell her I'm not going to be able to work then."

"Never let it be said that James Wilson ever let work alone." House quipped as he picked up his phone. And wandering back to Wilson's side of the couch.

"House? What do you want?" Wilson could hear her irritation clearly even though he was something like four feet away from the handset. Cool. He had super-hearing.

"Wilson is sick and is gonna need a few days off work to feel better and I'm gonna need a few days off to be his babysitter." he folded the phone shut without waiting for a reply and removed the battery pack when the call was ended. He was not going to be bothered by other people right now.

There was silence for a beat.

"So, um, there was a little pair of shorts in here that you could wear, they're probably about your size."

"Let me see."

House carefully pressed on the page so that it opened into a pocket, and out came a plastic bag filled with shining glitter, a tiny shirt-like article of clothing, a pair of shorts, and a tiny skirt. House picked up the shorts, and handed them to Wilson, and put the female clothes and glitter back in the pocket.

"No ties, unfortunately," he joked

"Oh, well I'm afraid in that case I'll just have to call all this off." Wilson pulled the shorts inside the shirt with him and adjusted his wings so he slid down the pillow on the couch onto the cushion. Good Lord, he couldn't have been more than a foot tall. He pulled on the shorts, which went down to about his knees, and crawled out the other side of the shirt to stand up.

Wilson lightly fluttered his wings and stretched. He was kind of stiff after sleeping on House's couch.

"Wow. Your wings are _cool_." House admired the way the morning sunlight bounced of the iridescent dragonfly wings on Wilson's bare back. This was more than he'd expected when he'd completed the spell, took a couple pictures with his phone, and went to his room to set his alarm so he could be there and laughing when Wilson woke up as fairy boy.

"Too bad I don't like heights, I would totally use them." House looked incredulous at Wilson's comment.

"You have wings, and you're not going to fly?" Wilson laughed at House's shock.

"I knew you'd react like that!" Wilson climbed up onto the edge of the couch so he wouldn't have to keep craning his neck to see House's face. "I guess I would fly If I knew how, though," he continued as he sat on the edge of the armrest and dangled his legs over the side.

"Basic physics suggest flapping your wings. And also, when pulling them up to flap again, basic physics suggest rotating them so you encounter less air resistance."

"Thank you, Dr. House, for your amazing insight," Wilson drawled sarcastically.

"You know you need it." replied House.

_Next Time: "I didn't know I was that high until I looked down..."_


	2. Chapter 2

**October 5th, 2008**

**Name:** WARNING: MAGICIS REAL Chapter 2  
**Fandom:** House, M.D.  
**Pairing:** House/Wilson  
**Summary: **House tries out a new prank. Not only does it work, it works _well._  
**Disclaimers:** The feature presentation is crack!fic. As in, but not limited to: involuntary species change (don't worry! it's funny, not sad.), magic spells being used, and the existence of nymphs. It is also probably supposed to be rated R for themes and language.

**A/N** I may be convicted of a minor crossover here, I am not a witch and therefore when making up my potions sidebar, may have "borrowed" some things from The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind , which is owned by Bethesda Softworks. Excellent game, by the way, anyone with $15 and Windows 2000 or later (excepting Vista, which I've heard won't play nice with it) should play. You can buy it online at Best Buy 's website. [/advertising RPGs which can and will suck the life out of you]

On another note, _yes_, I did write myself into this fic.

It had been a day and a half of doing nothing since House's prank. Well, nothing and trying not to get conned into flying by House.

Wilson groaned and rubbed his eyes. Then he put his hands back over his ears as House's music managed to worm its way back into his brain. House must have downloaded every folk song related to fairies, flying, wings, and anything else related to his prank made in the last_ century, _made a huge play list out of the mess, and started playing it on his laptop as loud as it would go. He then put his laptop on top of his tallest bookshelf and said that the only way for Wilson to get the annoying music to go away was to either fly up and turn it off himself, or prove he was physically incapable of flying.

So for the past two hours Wilson had been sitting on the couch and trying very hard (and failing) to be deaf as yet _another_ banjo solo came on and House joined in on the piano. He was going to go slightly insane soon if the crappy music didn't just _stop already_.

"I can't take it anymore, House, just fucking turn it off!" Wilson yelled over the noise.

"You know how to make it go away." House grinned devilishly and started playing even louder. Wilson was cute when he was frustrated.

Wilson glared at the back of House's head. Now he wouldn't be able to hear Wilson at all. Wilson slipped off the couch and landed lightly on the floor. Then, standing at his full thirteen and a half-inch height, he walked silently into House's bedroom. Holding onto the edge of the door, he started fluttering his wings faster and faster until he was flying high enough to grab the door handle. Ignoring the violent waves of vertigo coursing through his body, he held on to the handle very tightly and started flapping his wings in the other direction, effectively slamming the door loud enough for House to hear and still being able to lock it behind him.

He grinned at the sudden mis-hit of several piano keys as he slid down the doorjamb and leaned against the wall, letting the intense dose of adrenaline filter its way out of his system. He heard House's cane hit the floor a couple times as he got closer to the bedroom, and then watched the handle shake a little as House tried to open it. Then, to Wilson's surprise, House just walked away. He heard the banjo music click off mid-strum and then a creaking noise as House sat back down at the piano.

Wilson looked around. He noticed the old book still lying on the edge of the bed from when they had come in here to find the measuring tape yesterday morning. He wondered what had drawn _House _of all people to read a spell book. Pulling carefully at the edge of the sheets, Wilson managed not to kill himself as he sent the book tumbling to the floor in front of him. Surprisingly, it fell right open to the pixie section.

Scanning the pages, Wilson's eyes fell on a colorful sidebar titled "Potion Commotion". From the way the first paragraph was worded, he could tell that there must be a similar sidebar for other things of note that were apparently used in potion-making. This particular sidebar was discussing "The Seven Uses of Pixie Dust."

**The Seven Uses of Pixie Dust**

_**An excerpt from an article published on the subject by Aiatalay Kiethsaily**_

**Pixie dust, Faerie Dust, Sprite Sugar, the dust that is produced in the wings of some winged sprites has been known by many names over the centuries. It is a curious substance, but with careful experimentation a couple of the sisterhood I belong to found out all the uses they could think of. As they unfortunately haven't graced their time with learning to read, they ****forced****asked me to write down their findings so that their knowledge might be shared.**

**1.** **The first and perhaps most notable of the uses of pixie dust is its ability to cause levitation in human children. (**_**Raw ability, apply to skin or inhale.)**_

**2.** **The second use will apply to most beings, notably excepting the original producer of the dust, topical application of the dust has shown its use as a potent painkiller. (**_**Raw ability, apply to afflicted area dry or in hot water solution)**_

**3.** **The third raw ability of pixie dust is as an effective age retardant alone, but if mixed with crushed holly bark and rosewater it can even make subjects younger. (**_**Raw ability, apply to skin or inhale, Acquired ability, boil at high temperatures with equal parts dust, rosewater, and holly bark* and inhale fumes)**_

**4.** **The bioregenerational properties discovered as a youth potion were further explored and it was discovered that if left in the sun to fully charge (shines hard enough to make one's eyes hurt, I should warn) and mixed with saltrice, whickwheat, or marshmerrow extracts, Pixie Dust can heal wounds up to twenty years old. (**_**Acquired ability, boil and let congeal 1:1 ratio pixie dust and suggested ingredient, after congealing apply to wound and bandage in scathercraw or alit hide (to prevent blood poisoning if open wound) until healed.**_

**5.** **An interesting quirk that Aiatalay actually discovered by accident is that if you mix pixie dust with hot oil and water it makes a rather fun colour-change ink to write with. (**_**Acquired ability, boil in equal parts water, vegetable oil or fish oil, and pixie dust. DO NOT DRINK! IT WILL MAKE YOU SEE THINGS FOR HOURS!)**_

**6.** **If you powder the scales of any freshwater fish, and boil this with butter and ampoule pod extract, and then after letting that congeal soak up any remaining grease with moon sugar, mixing the sugar and pixie dust will allow one to swim very far and very fast under water or if lit on fire in a hackle-lo leaf and inhaled will allow one to run very fast. (**_**Acquired ability, some confusion arose from this claim and Aiatalay does not support or claim responsibility for any gills people may grow from this paste.)**_

**7.** **And finally, the seventh use of pixie dust is its use in the transfiguration spell to turn another or oneself into a winged sprite for a short amount of time. (**_**Acquired ability, see next page for instructions.)**_

***The Holly bark must be VERY POWDERY FOR THIS TO WORK.**

· _**a note from the editors- this text has been converted slightly into a more modern dialect of English.**_

Wilson finished reading the sidebar and felt at least a little confused. Use #6 had to be a joke. Use #5 was pointless. He was under the effects of use #7, which made use #7 pretty obvious. He wondered if House had noticed use #3. Wilson flipped to the index and looked up _Aiatalay Kiethsaily_; maybe there was a small biography that said she was insane or something.

**Aiatalay Kiethsaily was a mid-1700's shape shifter slave of a prominent New Jersey witch sisterhood. She, like all educated shape shifters, was immensely despised for her ability to read and write and is believed to be dead, perhaps killed by her captors.**

Well, that was morbid. Wilson felt a little bad for this Aiatalay; she had been despised because she was smart. He wondered why it had been such a crime for a shape shifter to learn to read, and flipped the book to the section on creatures again.

**Shape shifters have, by definition, no set form. They take whatever shape that pleases them at the time, but may have shown to have a personal preference for age, sex, species, etc. They have been known to be educated in the fine arts, magical learning, and higher education, but because they are not technically human, they usually face harsh discrimination from the magical community similar to that shown to people of African descent in the United States of America.**

Wilson shut the book and leaned against the bed and shut his eyes. He had had enough of this magic crap for awhile.

"Come on, Wilson! I'm tired." House whined through the locked door. Wilson rolled his eyes and tried to ignore House's knocking. It was surprisingly difficult, considering he was leaning on a pillow that smelled _just… like…. House._

"You should have thought of that before torturing me with folk music! And moving me onto the bookshelf while I slept. And dropping me. And no one will ever forget the time you turned me into a fairy!" he yelled back at the door.

"Well at least that was funny!" House retorted

Wilson heard House limp away, and the front door opening and closing. Minutes later the door opened again, and he heard squeaking noises from the other side. Wilson watched as first one screw, and then another was removed from the door handle, until it just fell out and House pushed the door open.

"Breaking into my own bedroom. Now that is insane." House grumbled as he set the screwdriver on his dresser and bent to pick up the door knob and place it next to the screwdriver.

House flopped down on his bed next to Wilson and flipped off the light. House's voice sounded loud in the half-darkness.

"I accidentally spilled beer on the couch, which is why I'm not forcing you to sleep there tonight. But if you don't want to get crushed, then I suggest you move farther away on the bed. And perhaps turn off your wings."

Wilson glanced behind him. They had both noticed that Wilson's wings were bioluminescent last night, when Wilson discovered that he glowed in the dark.

"Not much I can do about them. Sorry." Wilson rolled over and made sure that his wings were on the side closest to House, and thought happy thoughts to make them glow brighter. Had he known that irritating House was this much fun, he would have started long ago. He didn't even want to bother finding out where the sudden joker streak came from.

House just shut his eyes and smiled. Who knew that a mischievous Jimmy was this fun? He could probably finally get in a two-sided prank war tomorrow at this rate.

The last thought Wilson had before he fell asleep was a halfhearted question that innocently wondered why all of his happy thoughts were about House.

The last thought House had before he fell asleep was questioning why he hadn't done this sooner.

House woke first. His first thought was _what the HELL is all this glitter shit? _

Wilson rolled over and almost fell off the pillow. Catching himself on the edge of the pillowcase, he made a mistake and looked down. Swallowing the vertigo, Wilson pulled himself closer to the mattress and with some help from his wings, managed to clamber back on top of the bed.

But no sooner than he had sat down to catch his breath, House had picked him up and started playing with his wings.

"So you are the source of the mysterious green glitter shit." House murmured as Wilson instinctively fluttered his wings to get away and only succeeding in getting a small cloud of pixie dust in House's face.

"Let go already! You might break my wings!" Wilson turned a little and started carefully pulling on one that was now pressed between House's thumb and forefinger. House let go and Wilson tumbled over in his hands.

"Well, don't kill yourself", he chuckled. Wilson shakily stood in House's hand and quickly jumped off onto the bed, wings fluttering slightly to slow the fall.

"That was your fault, you bastard." Wilson scowled though the fresh cloud of light green glitter he had shaken up. House sneezed.

"You are going to coat the inside of my lungs with that shit, and then I will get to die of asphyxiation by _Pixie Dust._ One of the most pathetic deaths ever." House frowned at Wilson's burst of laughter.

"It's true," House stated. Wilson just laughed harder, and House could swear Wilson's wings were glowing despite the sunlight coming from the windows.

House gave Wilson a weird look and got up, wiping his hands on the outside of his already glittery pants.

"I'm leaving; I don't want to be in the same room as someone who laughs at the idea of killing me with their pixie shit." And without giving a second thought, House walked out of the room.

Wilson gaped. How pissed could House be that he was just walking out of the room, infarction and all? And then Aiatalay's article from yesterday came flooding back to him, _"Topical application of the dust has shown its use as a potent painkiller," _Wilson whispered to himself. He had the power to make House's pain go away without killing his liver.

Elated, Wilson jumped off the edge of the bed and fluttered over to the kitchen table.

"House!" Wilson shouted. House stared at him.

"That has got to be the most flying I've ever seen you do at one given time." House noted slowly, as he leaned against the counter. Wilson continued breathlessly.

"Did you read that sidebar on the pixie page in that book you got in the library?"

House stared at him some more.

"What?" he asked. Wilson gave him more details.

"There was a sidebar in that book you got, about the uses of pixie's dust. Did you read it?"

"Yea-"House started, but trailed off as a look of comprehension flowed over his faced and he stared at the smattering of glitter on his sweatpants. Slowly, he bent down and picked up his right hem, sliding it carefully up to his thigh so he could see the scar. Sure enough, there was pixie dust all over it. House let out a low whistle.

"Damn…" He whispered. "I couldn't feel _any _pain at all." He broke into a grin. "You are now officially my Vicodin."

And next time... WILSON'S REVENGE!


End file.
